Kristian Loihtua says fetishes offer freedom from ego

Kristian Loihtua says fetishes allow him to briefly let go of his ego and the expectations of everyday life, Yle reports. He enjoys both being submissive and taking a dominant role.

“When I am submissive, I can be completely free from the things controlled by my own ego. I can let go,” he says.

Loihtua says that recognising the pleasure of being guided by another person also helps him lead others into similar feelings.

Fetishes are rarely discussed openly and can be associated with shame. The Fetissimatkat community art exhibition in Oulu aims to reduce that stigma and challenge taboos surrounding fetishes. The exhibition is on display in Pikisaari, Oulu, until 29 August.

The multidisciplinary exhibition aims to increase understanding of fetishes. Participants in its workshops have named more than 100 fetishes for display.

Loihtua is one of the people who agreed to tell his story for the exhibition. He also led a discussion in Oulu based on his own experiences.

He says he spent a long time attached to an identity that did not feel genuine. The change came when he was in his thirties, when he “dared to become free, started thinking for himself and moved towards his own light”.

“I thought, damn, this is the guy I have been looking for all my life,” Loihtua says, describing the moment he saw himself in the mirror.

One reason fetishes remain hidden is that people generally want to be accepted, says Johanna Pohtinen, an ethnologist and doctor of philosophy who has studied fetishes.

“Society is quick to harshly condemn things that do not actually harm anyone or threaten anything,” Pohtinen says.

Mirja Hämäläinen, a sexual counsellor at Sexpo, says fetishes also remain private because sex itself is a private matter. Few people want to tell outsiders what kind of sex they enjoy.

Putting the ego aside

Loihtua believes people see him as highly masculine and dominant because of his appearance. He says others may view him as a stereotypical tough man, an alpha or someone who takes charge of situations.

That is why surrendering to a fetish feels liberating, he says.

“It is wonderful to narrow down into a being experiencing just one feeling, with no other definitions than that one moment. At some point it fades, and then I return to normal life,” he says.

Loihtua compares fetishes to a shamanic journey in which a shaman takes on another form and enters an underworld and the subconscious.

He believes people have different needs when it comes to self-regulation. Fetishes can help them forget their egos, let go of society’s expectations or step away from their role in the family, at least temporarily.

Loihtua says the entertainment industry often presents fetishes as symptoms of trauma. He sees them instead as a way to increase wellbeing and cope with the strain of everyday life.

More than one in 10 contacts received by Sexpo’s sexual counselling service concern fantasies or fetishes, preferences and interests.

Hämäläinen says people can view their fetish as a gift, or as an ability to enjoy something distinctive.

Pohtinen describes fetishes as things that differ from what is considered ordinary. That difference does not make them wrong as long as no one is harmed.

“Why not do things you enjoy?” Pohtinen says.

The exhibition in Oulu lists around 100 different fetishes, including leather, shoes, bondage, breasts, collars and dirty talk.

Pohtinen says she recognises the attitude that fetishes are linked to strange or somehow wrong sex. Some people believe society must be protected from “strange practices gaining power”.

“Nothing threatens the old, proven things. And it is wonderful that people can also enjoy heterosexual vanilla sex,” she says.

Vanilla can refer to familiar, ordinary sex that avoids unusual elements.

Respect at the centre

Pohtinen says she would like the kinky community to teach the wider vanilla world about the importance of consent in sex.

“In the kinky world, it has always been an essential part: if there is no consent, it is violence,” she says.

For Loihtua, respect for the other person is always central. He says the other person’s position and wellbeing must be taken seriously, and that his own role is more about enabling and serving.