Family counsellor warns parents against comparing children

A veteran Danish family counsellor always asks parents one key question when they describe celebrating their child’s top grades, national broadcaster DR reports.

When parents tell Lola Jensen, a family counsellor with over 40 years of experience, about lavish celebrations for their child’s straight A’s, she responds with a pointed question: “What will you do when your other child comes home with a hard-earned 4—their personal best?” Jensen shared her approach in an interview with DR’s P2 Foyeren, a programme examining everyday comparisons.

Jensen observes a growing trend where parents measure their own success through their children’s achievements. She warns that comparisons—even unintentional—can leave lasting scars. “I’ve heard adults say, ‘I never felt I mattered as much as my siblings because two became academics and I ‘only’ did vocational training,’” she explains.

Her advice to parents is clear: “Every child should be seen as the ‘eighth wonder’ of the family, valued for who they are—not what they achieve.” To foster this, she offers three key strategies:

Teach community, not just skills
Jensen stresses that academic or extracurricular success means little if a child struggles socially. “Start with the basics—not school lessons, but teaching them to function in a group,” she says. This includes manners, respecting boundaries, and handling rejection—skills often learned through simple activities like board games. “A child who feels valued by others builds self-worth, and that’s the greatest gift you can give.”

Celebrate their unique passions
Instead of pushing activities where a child lags (e.g., “Why won’t you swim like your brother?”), Jensen urges parents to explore alternatives. “Maybe the noise in a pool is overwhelming—find what brings them joy, whether it’s LEGO, art, or gymnastics.” Recognising a child’s strengths—however unconventional—fosters confidence.

Avoid labelling
Jensen criticises terms like “daddy’s little rebel” or “pseudo-twins” (a label for siblings born close together but not actual twins), arguing that such labels become “a straitjacket children can’t escape.” Over four decades, she’s seen how labels shape—and limit—children’s self-perception. “Once you’re boxed in, you spend your life meeting others’ expectations, not your own.”

Her core message: “Whether your child becomes a Mozart, a footballer, or an engineer shouldn’t matter. What matters is that they—not you—drive their own potential.”